A correction is needed here. I presume you just read the above picture. Well, Jay Leno was a hump, until some lady climbed on stage and attacked Jay, during one of his jokes years ago. That was some hump, Jay. Many a man would have envied that thing, Jay.

Speaking of Dave hacking into cyber space, I've just figured out that Dave is the one who broke into my Lulu Dot Com account, to defame me there. You see, the above info is really accurate. Dave really is an elite hacker, who hacks into my internet spaces. Grow up, Dave. You're not impressing anyone, Dave. [edited 11/23/06]
11/19/06

Let me guess what that Giuliana is doing now that she's presumably back home. Maybe this ought to be a Letterman style list of 10? Um . . . I'm not sure I want to bother to take that many minutes to write it . . .  Oh, ok. [I replaced some of the original items, upon reconsideration on 12/2/06.]

1. Sawing logs (I mean literally)
2. Having a nervous breakdown, from the realization that Tom Cruise is taken
3. Being accosted and molested by creeps
4. Picknicking in south central LA, hoping to be gangbanged (her love life is too slow)
5. Being beaten up by Paris Hilton
6. Stalking George Clooney
7. Shooting a skin flick
8. Nogotiating her contract renewal on E!'s casting couch
9. Trying to sue Tomkat over the stomach flu from their wedding food
10. Sawing logs (I mean figuratively this time)

I don't even want to try to order those possibilities, because to me they all look equally likely. There's no possible way to order a list with such equally likely items in it. At the risk of being rude to you, I'm not even going to type out full sentences for the blog entry date callout in this blog. It's just barebones dates for your blog, Dave. Nothing fancy.
11/21/06

I just wanted to add that Dave polishes off all the shit sent in to him, no matter what color, smell, and so on. No one knows how he does it, but he gets it all down. Dave's a wonder of the world that way. He can hardly believe that I'm giving him this publicity for free. Well, if it will make you feel any better, I'll let you pay me for this announcement service, Dave. I have no reason to want to make you feel like a freeloader.

I don't even put a space at the end of the entry, before the date. Strickly minimal, Dave.

I should add that Dave starting out eating all this shit as a publicity thing, to boost his ratings. He's liked it so much, now he doesn't want to stop. Just keep sending it in. He loves it. If I had the time, I'd look up his studio address and his home address for you. The rest of his staff hates it, so be sure to mark it "Dave," so that only he will open it. Needless to say, he always has a lot of opening to do.

Who was just on the phone, asking for a Stacey? None of the possibilities in my life have ever been funny, so you'll have to excuse this one. [Some redoing on 12/02/06]

1. Slob Bob, pretending to be a lady
2. A fan of mine, coming on (no one believes I have fans?)
3. A hitlady, hired by Madonna
4. A Manson family creepycrawl precheck, seeing if I've gone to bed yet
5. A Manson associate, wanting to recruit me
6. Jennifer Aniston, trying to break the ice
7. Jennifer Aniston, wanting to somehow break it to me
8. Sandra Goode, wanting to have children with me
9. Sandra Goode, wanting me to fill Charlie's void (same thing?)
10. A slob Bob cohort, in a preassault precheck

Well, don't you think that's a better list of 10 than Dave ever did? This isn't even a funny list, and it's better than what Dave does. [Some rewriting on 12/04/06]

Ok, I admit that the reason I made "sawing logs (literally)" number one, in yesterday's list of 10, is because I believe that's the most likely possibility.
11/22/06

I couldn't very well write lists of 10 that were any good, without putting them here. My latest, "What would Bush be up to now:"

1. An exception to the term limit, so he can stay in office by throwing elections
2. The creation of a super fund to build a memorial to his dead dog
3. An anti-gay clause in the Patriot Act
4. A law to put the U. S. under the rule of the Pope
5. A law to put the U. S. under Rabbi rule
6. Life without parole for being gay
7. Life without parole for criticizing Bush
8. Designating the Bush family as the new royal family of the U. S.
9. An all-out invasion and offensive against Iran
10. An all-out invasion and offensive against Korea

I can't help wondering if Dave has done any of the list possibilities I've been thinking of.

Maybe another list of 10? How about,"What would the governator be up to now?"

1. An exception in the law, to allow him to fondle whomever he pleases
2. A state funded program to get Arnold more acting awards for himself
3. A exception in divorce law, so that his wife would get nothing
4. The initiation of a new Nazi party for California
5. The initiation of a new Nazi party for the U. S.
6. A tax break for exercise machine companies that give Arnold free equipment
7. A law exception to allow Arnold to ride a motorcycle without a license
8. Law exceptions to allow Arnold to pay lower fees and taxes in real estate transactions
9. A law to create a Sacramento momument honoring Hilter
10. A state funded push for a federal amendment to allow Arnold to run for president

Well, are you green with envy over any of my lists of 10 yet, Dave?
11/25/06

Another list of 10? Already? How about, "why did the chicken cross the road?"

1. To walk facing traffic
2. To attend a poultry convention across the street
3. It was trying to commit suicide
4. To visit relatives
5. It wanted to watch a KKK event (It would have participated. It was the right color, but it was chicken)
6. To apply for work at the circus
7. It just remembered it left its wallet in the car
8. The sign on the window said "no chicken"
9. It wasn't Foster Farms, and they could tell
10. It was just walking for exercise

Well, was this one any good? Can you tell, Dave? You don't know anything about lists of 10? You have someone else write them for you?

OMG, it isn't even the next day yet, and I've already got another list of 10:

What would Madonna be doing now:

1. Arranging to take a flight on a UFO (she knows how)
2. Negotiating her adoption of all the children of Africa (one is never enough)
3. Ordering a ten year supply of bras from a manufacturer of metal funnels
4. Making reservations for an extra exotic vacation in the real Hades, not Haiti (she wants it for me)
5. Planning to participate in a nude-in to protest the fur industry (they just mean no hair there)
6. Shooting and reshooting sex videos to release to the public
7. Staging another horseback riding accident to garner more sympathy (she wants to break every bone in her body this time)
8. Waiting for the taylor to finish her nip-slip outfit for her Confessions tour
9. Planning to outdo Janet Jackson, by staging a crotch slip (she's got that outfit on order too)
10. Holding auditions for guys, and one fake Madonna, willing to be crucified for real on her tour

All these items are really like Madonna, Dave. I, of all people, would know.
11/26/06

Since any page about the David Letterman Show would presumably be comedic in nature, I'll paste here my submission to Los Angeles channel 13 news, which I sent them recently, when they asked the viewers what their favorite joke was. Here it is:

Dear 13 news team,

 

I never really thought I had a favorite joke, but objectively, the one that stands out as having been one that made me laugh the hardest was:
Long Bitch Freeway.
[That's obviously supposed to refer to Long Beach Freeway. My late uncle Lefty referred to the "Long Bitch Freeway" while driving during a family outing decades ago. That one really touched off something in me then. It can still make me laugh.]
 
Steve

I think it's funnier with "the" at the beginning,
"The Long Bitch Freeway."
Dave, you don't know what a freeway is. There are no freeways in New York. This is the funniest four word joke in the world, Dave.

Dave, I know your pride won't let you admit, even to yourself, that this page is really better than your show.

I've written yet another list of ten:

Why did David Letterman cross the road?

1. Dave's car was towed for parking in the "RESERVED FOR LETTERMAN" space
2. Dave was made up like the governator, and was consequently being pursued for fondling
3. The crowd protesting the sex business found Dave's studio, and were waiting for him there
4. Dave was fired, after a Letterman look-alike was discovered to be funnier
5. Dave planted a bomb in his own studio, and he wanted to get out on time
6. Mental hospital staff was waiting for Dave at his studio, on the grounds that Dave believed what he said on his show
7. The lady who attacked Jay Leno was in Dave's audience, so Dave was going to call in sick that night
8. Dave's fans sent Dave so much shit, literally, he wasn't able to squeeze into his studio
9. The FBI was waiting to arrest Dave in his studio, under the no-jokes clause of the Patriot Act
10. A farmer did believe Dave was genuine Foster Farms, and was trying to capture him

That was alright. Maybe I'll write another list of 10 about Dave in the future.

Holy crap, another list of 10 about Dave so soon? How's this one:

How did David Letterman get started in comedy?

1. A relative of Dave's was owed a favor by a producer
2. Dave was so prolific at stealing jokes, they mistakenly thought Dave was funny
3. Dave claimed he was a Manson family member, and threatened consequences if they didn't use him
4. Dave was armed and dangerous, so they couldn't say "no"
5. Dave was really unarmed, but he was so big, they were afraid to say "no"
6. Dave was so ugly before his plastic surgery, they felt sorry for him
7. Dave was wealthy enough to produce his own shows
8. Since everything Dave believed was ludicrous, they thought that comedic
9. It was Dave's physical ugliness they originally thought was funny
10. They wanted someone they couldn't feel sorry for, in a real physical harm geek show

These list items may seem funny, but they were all real factors that helped launch Dave's early career.
11/27/06

What's the best example of Rodney Dangerfield not getting any respect?

1. His doctor entered beaming with good news: He said Rodney only had a day to live
2. When he worked at a slaughterhouse, they kept putting him in line with the pigs
3. His mother put him in a foster home, because she thought he was an embarassment to the family
4. Whenever he walked along the road, people recognized him, and tried to run him over
5. Everytime he bought something, they tried to shortchange him, thinking he was stupid
6. He can't take walks, because even dogs hate him. They always bite him.
7. No woman would ever marry him without a prenuptial 50/50 split in writing. And they aways filed for divorce the day after the honeymoon.
8. When the judge asked one of his wives the reason for divorce, she stated: He's ugly, stupid, and she hates his personality. The judge agreed, and awarded her an extra 25 per cent, plus the house.
9. On Halloween, the kids always think he's the neighborhood monster
10. The Klan even wants to string him up, because they want him out of the gene pool of the white race too

Do those look like the 10 best no-respect-for-Rodney items? Maybe I ought to do another list on this theme later?
11/29/06

Now I've just written a list of 10, of reasons that Joan Rivers isn't a stripper. Here it is:
Why isn't Joan Rivers a stripper?

1. Joan really is as ancient as they say
2. They can't tell what gender Joan is
3. Joan really does have mosquito bites instead of tits (Joan has spare mosquitos to maintain the swelling)
4. Joan is really a man
5. If they let Joan on stage, everyone leaves
6. Joan really does look like a freak under her clothes
7. Joan has a udder instead of tits
8. They can't tell which end is up, and Joan's not marked
9. Joan looks so odd, they can't figure out when she's undressed
10. Joan's an animal, and they only use humans

I know, you're squirming in disgust at yourself, for not figuring this stuff out yourself. These are all true.

Here are a couple more lists of 10 describing Joan Rivers:

What turns Joan Rivers on?

1. Everything
2. Running out of gas, hoping to be attacked
3. Being sacrified in a native ritual (I deleted the word "human," since it doesn't apply to Joan.)
4. UFO abductions
5. The idea of being skeltered by a Manson crew
6. Conjugal visits with prison inmates
7. Lurking in dark places, hoping to be raped
8. Responding to personals ads, hoping for a serial killer
9. All animals
10. Being a contestent in a reality show

Why is Joan Rivers jewish?

1. Joan wants to go to hell
2. Joan wants to be enslaved by the Egyptians
3. Joan wants to get God angry at her
4. Joan likes everything unusual
5. Joan wants to be treated with disdain
6. To be mean to Melissa
7. To make it harder for Melissa to find a husband
8. Joan wants to be slaughtered in the jihad
9. To incite suicide bombings
10. To interest Cecil B. Demille (even posthumously)

That brings the count to 3 lists of 10 about Joan Rivers.
11/30/06

I was just about to go to bed, and decided that I couldn't, until I wrote another list of 10. Here's another one about Joan Rivers:

Why did Joan Rivers join the fashion police?

1. Since Joan always looks like hell, she likes to take it out on everyone else
2. Since Joan's taste in fashion is so bad, she thinks everyone else has bad taste
3. Joan's a pickpocket who thinks big
4. Since Joan has no talent, she had to pick something she could fake
5. Joan's a voyeur, and she wanted to be invited into dressing rooms
6. Joan wanted to be within groping distance of celebs
7. Since Joan is so unattractive, she thought sheer volume might land her a man
8. Joan has her own label, and she wants to make sales
9. To be around showbiz people enough to annoy them into giving her work
10. To enable Joan to extort, by threatening bad critiques

Heck, this could be my best list of 10 so far. I'm still partial to the governator theme list of 10 though.
12/02/06

What does David Letterman want for Christmas?

1. To be filmed wrestling with a crocodile, to use in a resume for Steve Irwin's old job
2. Dave want's a year's supply of good jokes sent by email to his official website, so they're his without paying
3. Dave wants someone to kill Paul Shaffer, so he doesn't have to
4. Dave wants to be murdered, because he's afraid to commit suicide
5. Dave wants that desktop stripper to finally let him see
6. A ten-year supply of Geritol
7. A walking cane
8. Contract renewals in which his staff would work free
9. A date with Joan Rivers
10. Dave wants all kinds of shit, literally

How's that for a Christmas list? You think he'd be wanting more than 10 things for Christmas?

What else does David Letterman want for Christmas?

1. A dozen crazed pitbulls with papers to guard his shit (literally)
2. A 10-year pass to Dollywood (I don't blame him)
3. A Thompson submachine gun, so he can rob banks
4. Jay Leno's entire car collection (That's too much to ask?)
5. A year's supply of NoDoz, to stay awake during his show
6. A manual explaining what his jokes mean
7. A license surrendering all of Jay Leno's jokes to Dave
8. The cancellation of Jay Leno's show
9. The removal of Jay Leno's star from the Hollywood Walk Of Fame
10. A confession to stealing Dave's jokes, signed by Jay Leno

These lists are so good, I wish Dave would send more of them. Maybe later.

Dave does want at least 10 more things for Christmas. Here are some of them:

1. A lifetime supply of Viagra
2. A lifetime supply of the penis-enlargement patch
3. A gift certificate for lifetime unlimited escorts by Heidi Fleisch
4. Lessons by the governator in how to get away with fondling
5. Dave wants to be molested by Debra LaFave (he says he doesn't mind)
6. Jay Leno's studio, so Dave can relocate to Hollywood
7. The full collection of the old Bozo's Big Top tv series (It always was Dave's favorite show)
8. The full collection of the Sesame Street tv series (to supplement his education)
9. Dave wants someone to kill his wife
10. Dave wants someone to kill Jay Leno

That makes 30 items. Maybe he'll send part 4.

Dave's been working hard on his Christmas list, to make sure he gets everything he wants. Here's the next 10 items on Dave's Christmas list:

1. Dave wants to be human
2. Dave wants to be funny
3. Dave want's to be straight; Dave's currently gay
4. Dave want's an honorary membership in Al Qaeda
5. Dave wants to be accepted for participation in the gay parade
6. Dave wants to be accepted into the Manson family
7. Dave wants my vacation in Hades package for himself
8. Dave wants Madonna to take him with her, on the UFO
9. Dave wants to be gangbanged by a tribe of Amazons
10. Dave wants a digital camera, so he can engage in internet exhibitionism

Do you think I've finally completed Dave's Christmas wish list? I'll ask Dave to hurry up. There's only 3 weeks left till Christmas.
12/03/06

This is just in. Here's part 5 of David Letterman's Christmas wish list:

1. His two front teeth. Dave doesn't care about the rest of his teeth.
2. Paris Hilton's Tinkerbell. He wants to hold it for ransom.
3. Dave wants a new vibrator. The old one's worn out.
4. A new desk. Dave's current desk has splash marks all over it.
5. The Paris Hilton sex video. It's for his wife. Dave's gay, and not interested.
6. A new joke writer. It's obvious why.
7. A new plastic surgeon. Dave's still ugly.
8. Faked acting credits, so he can run for public office.
9. Joan Rivers' looks. Even Joan looks better than Dave. (Don't laugh. Joan really is a man.)
10. Joan Rivers' mosquito bite procedure. Maybe it'd work better than the penis enlargement patch.

Dave really goes for the gusto, when he writes up his Christmas wish list.

Now, what does Joan Rivers want for Christmas?

1. Another crocodile (Joan's determined to be eaten, one way or another.)
2. A man (to torture in her dungeon)
3. An animal (As a boyfriend. Joan doesn't care what kind.)
4. Loads and loads of plastic surgery (for her enemies)
5. Loads and loads of plastic surgery (for herself)
6. The exhumation of her late husband (to make love to his dead body)
7. The death of her daughter, Melissa (for the insurance money)
8. The Sharon Tate house (in the hope they'd return to do Joan)
9. A star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame (No one would nominate Joan based on merit)
10. The release of Richard Ramirez from prison (Joan's now old enough to be one of his victims)

This list reflects the real Joan Rivers, not her Hollywood image.
12/04/06

I thought Jennifer Aniston's Christmas wish list would never get here. Here it is: What does Jennifer Aniston want for Christmas?

1. An award against the production company of The Breakup, for saying she's through with Vince
2. To be officially recognized as a deviltress
3. Perpetual worldwide human sacrifies to Jen, in honor of her deviltress status
4. For all to throw themselves at Jen's feet in adoration
5. For the sneak topless paparazzo to be executed in the town square, as an example to all
6. Free services of all kinds for Jen for life, in adoration of Jen
7. The establishment of a film industry cast system, in which Jen would be first in line for all roles
8. The declaration of a national holiday in Jen's honor
9. A record number of stars for Jen on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame
10. Queen Elizabeth's abdication, in conveyance of the throne to Jen

Can you believe this list is really from Jennifer?
12/05/06

What does Giuliana DePandi want for Christmas?

1. The conversion of the world to Pope rule
2. The return of the Crusades, to execute non-catholics
3. To be officially designated as the goddess Venus
4. The return of the sacrificing of virgins (but male virgins this time)
5. The official conversion to a slave system, in which Giuliana could purchase men to be tortured
6. To become the queen of an all-Americas human-sacrifice pyramid civilization
7. Another biblical flood, to purge the world of non-catholics (including Joan Rivers)
8. All of the media industries of the world, including tv and film
9. The establishment of a worldwide law making it a capital offense to not worship Giuliana
10. Giuliana would like me to drop dead, literally

Isn't this a bit rediculous, Giuliana?
12/06/06

You know, I've been thinking that since I'm using the name, The David Letterman Show, first, that it's mine, Dave. So, if you ever want to have a show by that name, it's already mine, and you'd have to pay me for it, Dave. I'm not saying it would be cheap either, if I'd even be willing at that time to sell it to you, Dave. It's something to keep in mind, Dave. I think this truth is funnier than a lot of jokes.

Well, another list of 10?
What would David Letterman do if his show was canceled?

1. Jump off the Empire State building
2. Go ballistic, and mow down his final audience
3. Hold his audience hostage, to make the producer reconsider
4. Spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital
5. Bomb the studio, so no one else could use it
6. Exact his revenge by torturing Paul Shaffer to death
7. Obtain a Mafia contract on the producer
8. Shine shoes
9. Commandeer a jet, and make it fly into the Empire State building
10. Join Alqaeda, to try to get revenge on the U. S.

These items are all believable.

Why did Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn break up?

1. The Breakup was intended as a documentary, and they didn't want to contradict it.
2. The maximum allowable time for an Hollywood relationship had expired.
3. Jen is prejudiced against polacks.
4. Jen was just looking for a temporary doormat, and Vince was there.
5. Even Viagra doesn't work for Vince.
6. Jen is really a lesbian.
7. Jen is more attracted to a different doormat.
8. Actors she's worked with always turn Jen's stomach.
9. Jen is really in love with Ross.
10. Jen thinks Vince's acting stinks.

How is that for a lousy relationship.
12/07/06

What will Jennifer Aniston do with her new freedom?

1. Become a nun
2. Become a skelterette, and move to Barker Ranch
3. Have fatherless kids, like Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie
4. Move back in with Ross
5. Work for Heidi Fleiss as a call girl
6. Break a celeb record for promiscuity
7. Switch to skin flicks
8. Look for a woman to marry
9. Become a jihad warrior
10. Live like an hermit for the rest of her life

This list is hard to order too. I'll just leave it as is.
12/08/06

What does CBS want from David Letterman, at every contract renewal?

1. For Dave to start being funny
2. Three live chickens (of course)
3. Thirty minutes with Dave on the casting couch (with the ugly gay producer)
4. For Dave to become a Bar Mitzvah
5. For Dave to be sterilized (Dave's so ugly)
6. Dave's soul (it's for the devil)
7. For Dave to cover all the studio expenses
8. For Dave to pay them the contract amount, instead of Dave being paid
9. Year round paid vacations, to anywhere, anytime they want, for the producers
10. Unlimited passes to the Mustang ranch, including airfair, for everyone on the production staff

Faced with these terms, why does Dave renew his contract? It doesn't make sense. The most rediculous item, is the three live chickens. Have you ever tried to hang onto a live chicken by its legs? Chickens are stronger than Arnold Schwartzenegger. It's impossible. They shake right out of your hand, and they're gone. Especially two in one hand. They're impossible to hold onto. Remember that thing where Arnold tried to hold a pistol still during discharge, but it still recoiled? Well, it's the same with a chicken. Arnold is strong, but he wouldn't be able to hang onto a chicken's legs, without it getting away. No way.

Dave, how do you like that new Pepto Bismol commercial, with the dinosaur and the giantess. That's good. The content is so relevant and true to life. That one ought to win an award.

What would Joan Rivers be doing when she's dead and buried? [I've used the words "her" and "she" as a convenience. Joan is hard to classify.]

1. Hoping to be exhumed and experimented on
2. Trying to impress a casting director into giving her a role as a dead person (No way. He wants Joan to convince him she's dead.)
3. Trying to score with necrophiliacs
4. Trying to interest the stiff next to her
5. Trying to get a suntan, while lying out
6. Hoping to be turned into a Frankenstein
7. Making a mess
8. Aging gracefully (Joan could never do that when alive)
9. Stinking up the place
10. Underground gardening

If Joan is that busy when dead, imagine how busy she keeps while alive. Now that I've brought up all these ideas, I expect Joan to try to check out early. This stuff would look better to Joan than her life while alive.
12/09/06

What does Joan Rivers do for a living?

1. Filling in for Jacques Cousteau, and hoping for a stingray barb through her heart. (The stingrays are all willing to oblige Joan, but Joan looks so odd, they can't figure out where Joan's heart is.)
2. Wrestles crocodiles (Joan is so disgusting, the crocs give up early, to get away from her. Joan has that advantage over her former competitor, Steve Irwin.)
3. A substitute NFL quarterback (They can't figure out which shower to send Joan to.)
4. A pro bowler, hoping to interest Jennifer Aniston
5. Joan is a practice dummy for satanic ritual training.
6. An immigrant farmer (They make their liquid fertilizer by steeping Joan in water.)
7. President Bush's top advisor on Iraq
8. Starring in a remake of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Joan does it with the insane in real life. Only insane people are interested in Joan anyway. Joan has to rape anyone else.)
9. Joan's an organic pesticide (Joan eats all the bugs in a region.)
10. The new pastor of Jim Jones People's Temple, in Guyana

This is only a partial list of what Joan Rivers does for a living, but it gives a general idea.
12/10/06

Why does Joan Rivers seem dumb?

1. Joan doesn't read.
2. Joan is dumb.
3. Joan is an animal.
4. Joan never went to school, because she wasn't qualified.
5. Joan wants to seem dumb, is case she's arrested for murder.
6. Joan wants to seem dumb to disgust people.
7. Joan thinks she'd be allowed to park in handicapped spaces if she seemed dumb enough.
8. It's a trick to catch her serial killing victims off guard.
9. Joan doesn't know how else to keep people from hating her.
10. Joan was raised by animals.

Now you know. This makes eight lists of ten here about Joan Rivers so far. That means you've learned 80 things here about Joan Rivers so far. I feel like hell finking on Joan like this. If she ever goes to prison, it could be my fault, because I've described her in so much detail here.
12/11/06

What is Joan Rivers' vision of hell?

1. Going to heaven
2. Being normal
3. The recurrence of the jewish passover (Joan likes plagues.)
4. Animals resisting her advances
5. Being fired from the Fashion Police (Joan likes to bother celebs.)
6. Melissa being taken away through marriage (Joan is trying to hold Melissa hostage for life.)
7. The death or confiscation of her crocodiles
8. The dropping of the murder rate to zero
9. The dropping of the occurrence of rape to zero
10. Becoming impoverished, and thus unable to afford her bizarre pastimes

You thought no one would be able to think of ten things Joan would think was hell, but I did it. No one knows Joan's personality as well as I, except maybe Melissa.

What role has Dolly Parton's tits played over the years?

1. To slow down hurricanes upon landfall
2. Emergency flood levees
3. Fire rescue trampolines
4. Load balancing weights on airline jets
5. Anti-list devices on commercial freighters
6. Emergency buoyancy devices for foundering passenger ships
7. Coaxing criminals out of cover, by promising a look
8. Copying and pasting into fake nudes
9. For the site of radio relay equipment
10. Freak show attraction

I know. Dolly's tits remarks went out of vogue at least 20 years ago. If it will make you feel any better, substitute Jillian Barberie Reynold's tits. I think they were serving all the same functions. That was the real reason Jill was on assignment in the South many times.
12/12/06

What does Joan Rivers want to be in the hereafter?

1. A dinosaur
2. Roadkill (that is, a critter squashed onto the road)
3. A congenital freak
4. Jaws
5. A ripper class serial killer
6. A world scale Stalin
7. A prevailing 4th reich dictator
8. A sticky stepped-in bubblegum on a hot sidewalk (it's possible)
9. A platypus
10. A serial rapist

These are all real possibilities, of course. I've been a sticky stepped-in bubblegum on a hot sidewalk myself (actually, I was on the street).

What roles has Joan Rivers sought to portray lately?

1. To take the place of Sylvester Stallone in a Rocky sequel
2. Gumby (the flat cartoon figure; her mosquitos could get some time off)
3. The preditor, in a filmed sequel to The Preditor
4. To take the place of Arnold, in a Terminator sequel film
5. Dumbo The Elephant, in a feature-length film of that same title
6. Jack The Ripper, in a film
7. To take the place of Tom Hanks, in a sequel to Forrest Gump
8. Charles Manson, in an A-class movie about his story
9. Heidi Fleiss, in an x-rated film about her true story (the whole truth)
10. Janis Joplin, in a documentary movie about her (Joan can really identify with that Janis Joplin voice.)

Notice that Joan prefers to portray men. They can never tell what sex Joan is anyway.

How does Joan Rivers prefer to get around?

1. The Goodyear blimp
2. In a casket in the back of a hearst
3. The Oscar Meyer wiener mobile
4. Alive in the gut of a huge shark
5. Base jumping (parachuting from the top of highrises)
6. Dragged by chain behind a moving vehicle
7. Hitchhiking (Joan likes to be abducted by thrill-killers.)
8. Bicycling in a short skirt with no panties
9. Alive in the gut of a whale (Jonah style)
10. Fashioned into a giant fishing lure and trolled behind a sharking boat

These aren't even the most unusual ways Joan gets around. Joan's love life is the most unusual way Joan gets around. Joan's sexual practices are even more unusual.
12/13/06

I just noticed that this page is two months old now.

01/19/07

This was Drew Barrymore stripping on your desk, Dave. Remember Courtney Love doing that, pictured above? Neither one of them let you look, did they, Dave? I know I'm not the only one who's had that problem.
02/01/07

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